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Tess Marshall

It's A Miracle! Almost 35 Years!

Who would of thought two teenage kids getting married in 1972 with a baby on the way would celebrate a 35th wedding anniversary? Probably not very many!

Yup,it will be 35 years on January 14,2007! We're going to a resort on St. Thomas to celebrate. I've never been. As a matter of fact I'm just getting started on all of that traveling we've put off all of those early and middle years.

In the last 3 years we've been making up for lost time. I don't plan to slow down anytime soon.

Anyway I feel I'm qualified as an expert in marriage and relationships to give you:

Top 10 ways to keep on growing as a couple

1. Commit and participate in connecting with your heart. Do you know what is in your partner's heart today? Do you know if he or she is happy, worried, joyful or fearful? Establish a routine of heartfelt sharing. Sit facing each other. First one shares and the other listens. No comments, no fixing, just listening, no opinions. Then the other person shares and one listens. Don't hold back, you will establish or increase intimacy.

2. Cherish one another. Be kind, courteous and refuse to take each other for granted.
Pay attention to each other! Love each other too much to get into petty arguments!

3. Tell the truth! Never lie or never hold things back. Love is based on honesty. You may feel like you're getting away with something when you do. You are not! Your fooling yourself. Love is based on being real. Real doesn't feel comfortable all of the time. Get real anyway. Love is based on trust. Once trust is lost it's very difficult to get back.

4. Love begins with you. One moment at a time. Choose to love first. Don't hold back or get even. Put the focus on weather or not your lover's needs are getting met. The amazing thing is your's will get met in return. You will also feel loved.

5. Choose to be first. The first to apologize, the first to kiss, the first to hug.
Be the first to give comfort and offer help. Give up the last cookie and give away the last word. You will "feel" loving and lovable. There will be no need to demand it.

6. Love with your eyes. Practice looking at your mate as you did when you first met. Look for the good in his/her heart and actions. Adore him/her with your eyes. When you are gazing and looking think of all of the good times and fun you've had. You can look into each others eyes but also learn to look from a distance, unnoticed.
You will fall deeper in love.

7. Love with your voice and your words. Pay attention to your intention and your tone when you communicate. Do you want to fight or get your point across seamlessly. You can't take works back so choose them carefully.

Learn to build each other up with your words. Use terms of endearment. If it's uncomfortable for you, practice, practice practice. Your words have power. Use them wisely. Use them lightly and lovingly.

8. Learn how to work and play together. When you love somebody you are in sync with them. Refuse to be a victim (poor me) or feel entitled (you owe me). Don't wait to be rescued and give up blaming. When you can enjoy working and playing together you enjoy each other's company most of the time.

9. Take responsibility. There will be days you have to give 150%. There will be days when tragedy happens and you will need to be strong when it seems utterly impossible to do so.

There will be times you will need to ask for forgiveness and time when you have to forgive when you don't want to.

There will be days when you need to be alone and days when your partner will need the same thing. Respect and trust each other's time and breathing space. You will come back refreshed and you will benefit.

10. When you make love learn to put your body, mind, heart and soul into it. Sex is more than just physical. Pay attention to how you feel. Making love feels joyful not empty. Learn to communicate your sexual needs and desires. Learn to use reverance and sex becomes sacred.

Each step you take in your dance together you will either be moving closer to your partner or further away. Be aware of your choices. Be aware of your heart. Stay connected, stay hopeful and

Happiness is Having Fun and Helping Others As Well

My daughter Kristy finished her triathlon in October. The amazing thing of the entire event was to see how Kirsty could actually swim in a race for 9/10's of a mile through kelp in the Pacific Ocean. That alone would be enough to impress anyone but she's the physically challenged kid who has a stub for a right hand! Imagine swimming with and pulling with only one hand! I was simply amazed!

Then there was the transition to the special customized bike she had made for her stub. It was here she made up for time she lost in the swim.

Then it was off to the six mile run and finally to the finish line. Yeah!

Oh and did I mention she raised the $5000.00 as part of the "Team In Training"
for the Lukemia and Lymphoma Society! A big thanks to all of my friends and family who helped!

We had ssssooooo much fun! It's always a natural high to get caught up in the excitement and the hoopla of the athlete's.

We had fun eating and sightseeing. We went to Carmel by The Sea and Big Sur. We were'nt ready to come home. After the athletes left the city didn't seem the same.
She is already planning to do another triathlon in March in Florida. I think I'll meet her there!

Question:What are you doing for fun, adventure and exercise these days? Exercise doesn't have to be all work. Think on this and see if you can't get excited about walking, running, hiking, biking or sking. The sky is the limit!
Stay Happy-Tess

I've Got Forgiveness Work To Do!

When life is going along smoothly and I begin to think I don't have any grievences with anyone I usually get hit over the head with another opportunity to forgive. It's like God is saying to me "Are you sure you have this forgiveness thing down."

A couple of months ago I found out I wasn't invited to a family members wedding. Not only wasn't I not invited but neither were 6 of my siblings or my parents (Only two siblings were).

Of course I told myself "it didn't matter, whatever, I didn't want to go anyway, and now I don't have to buy a gift." It's funny how we want to protect ourselves isn't it?

Just when I convinced myself I was over it I run smack into the family member. Of course my blood was boiling! I had a hard time looking this person in the eye. I gave one word answers to anything I was asked. And I got away as fast as I could.

That was my clue that I had forgiveness work to do.

The reason I didn't get invited doesn't matter. What matters is that I don't take it personally. It's not about me. What people do is about them. How we react is about us.

What matters is that I to come to peace with this issue. What matters is I process my feelings, forgive and move on.

The first thing to remember about forgiveness is that it's a process. When I think I'm over it the issue will pop to the surface again. If I don't feel peaceful when this happens, I'm not over it!

It hurts to keep your heart closed. It hurts to hold onto resentments. It hurts me. Forgiveness is for me not the other person.

So here are some forgiveness tips that work for me:

1. I first need to acknowledge my pain. It's OK to feel hurt. It's not OK to remain hurt.

2. Forgiveness is letting go of the pain. It's a release of any loss, sadness and outrage one has in their situation. It's a release of the past.

3. It's necessary to forgive even the unforgivable. People who suffered through the holocaust have been able to forgive. Nelson Mandela was able to forgive. These are examples of forgiving the unforgivable.

4. Forgiveness doesn't deny what happened. Forgiving isn't forgetting. Forgiveness isn't condoning the past. It acknowledges what happened is wrong and harmful.

5. Forgiveness allows us to protect ourself from the other person. It may be best to end the relationship.

6. Forgiveness means keeping the person in your heart. Even if you end the relationship physically it is necessary to: bless this person and the situation,
pray for this person, and even send love and wish the best for this person.

7. If we are honest with ourselves we can take an inventory of the pain and suffering we ourselves have caused others. It's here we can find compassion for ourselves and others.

"In Jack Kornfield's book, "The Art Of Forgiveness, and Peace," he tells this story:

In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered.

All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual.

Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime.

Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, is recounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length.

This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.

So here is my plan.

Tonight when I go to bed I will close my eyes and bring this person who hurt me to mind. I will put myself and the other family memebers in a circle around this person. I can then think of all the good deeds that have been done by this person. I can even imagine what the other siblings and my parents would say.

I will mentally welcome this person back into the tribe!

Who do you need to forgive and how willing are you? I'm here to tell you it's necessary to do the work. But remember it's a process and don't beat yourself up.
Just to the work necessary!