I've Got Forgiveness Work To Do!
When life is going along smoothly and I begin to think I don't have any grievences with anyone I usually get hit over the head with another opportunity to forgive. It's like God is saying to me "Are you sure you have this forgiveness thing down."
A couple of months ago I found out I wasn't invited to a family members wedding. Not only wasn't I not invited but neither were 6 of my siblings or my parents (Only two siblings were).
Of course I told myself "it didn't matter, whatever, I didn't want to go anyway, and now I don't have to buy a gift." It's funny how we want to protect ourselves isn't it?
Just when I convinced myself I was over it I run smack into the family member. Of course my blood was boiling! I had a hard time looking this person in the eye. I gave one word answers to anything I was asked. And I got away as fast as I could.
That was my clue that I had forgiveness work to do.
The reason I didn't get invited doesn't matter. What matters is that I don't take it personally. It's not about me. What people do is about them. How we react is about us.
What matters is that I to come to peace with this issue. What matters is I process my feelings, forgive and move on.
The first thing to remember about forgiveness is that it's a process. When I think I'm over it the issue will pop to the surface again. If I don't feel peaceful when this happens, I'm not over it!
It hurts to keep your heart closed. It hurts to hold onto resentments. It hurts me. Forgiveness is for me not the other person.
So here are some forgiveness tips that work for me:
1. I first need to acknowledge my pain. It's OK to feel hurt. It's not OK to remain hurt.
2. Forgiveness is letting go of the pain. It's a release of any loss, sadness and outrage one has in their situation. It's a release of the past.
3. It's necessary to forgive even the unforgivable. People who suffered through the holocaust have been able to forgive. Nelson Mandela was able to forgive. These are examples of forgiving the unforgivable.
4. Forgiveness doesn't deny what happened. Forgiving isn't forgetting. Forgiveness isn't condoning the past. It acknowledges what happened is wrong and harmful.
5. Forgiveness allows us to protect ourself from the other person. It may be best to end the relationship.
6. Forgiveness means keeping the person in your heart. Even if you end the relationship physically it is necessary to: bless this person and the situation,
pray for this person, and even send love and wish the best for this person.
7. If we are honest with ourselves we can take an inventory of the pain and suffering we ourselves have caused others. It's here we can find compassion for ourselves and others.
"In Jack Kornfield's book, "The Art Of Forgiveness, and Peace," he tells this story:
In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered.
All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual.
Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime.
Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, is recounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length.
This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.
So here is my plan.
Tonight when I go to bed I will close my eyes and bring this person who hurt me to mind. I will put myself and the other family memebers in a circle around this person. I can then think of all the good deeds that have been done by this person. I can even imagine what the other siblings and my parents would say.
I will mentally welcome this person back into the tribe!
Who do you need to forgive and how willing are you? I'm here to tell you it's necessary to do the work. But remember it's a process and don't beat yourself up.
Just to the work necessary!
A couple of months ago I found out I wasn't invited to a family members wedding. Not only wasn't I not invited but neither were 6 of my siblings or my parents (Only two siblings were).
Of course I told myself "it didn't matter, whatever, I didn't want to go anyway, and now I don't have to buy a gift." It's funny how we want to protect ourselves isn't it?
Just when I convinced myself I was over it I run smack into the family member. Of course my blood was boiling! I had a hard time looking this person in the eye. I gave one word answers to anything I was asked. And I got away as fast as I could.
That was my clue that I had forgiveness work to do.
The reason I didn't get invited doesn't matter. What matters is that I don't take it personally. It's not about me. What people do is about them. How we react is about us.
What matters is that I to come to peace with this issue. What matters is I process my feelings, forgive and move on.
The first thing to remember about forgiveness is that it's a process. When I think I'm over it the issue will pop to the surface again. If I don't feel peaceful when this happens, I'm not over it!
It hurts to keep your heart closed. It hurts to hold onto resentments. It hurts me. Forgiveness is for me not the other person.
So here are some forgiveness tips that work for me:
1. I first need to acknowledge my pain. It's OK to feel hurt. It's not OK to remain hurt.
2. Forgiveness is letting go of the pain. It's a release of any loss, sadness and outrage one has in their situation. It's a release of the past.
3. It's necessary to forgive even the unforgivable. People who suffered through the holocaust have been able to forgive. Nelson Mandela was able to forgive. These are examples of forgiving the unforgivable.
4. Forgiveness doesn't deny what happened. Forgiving isn't forgetting. Forgiveness isn't condoning the past. It acknowledges what happened is wrong and harmful.
5. Forgiveness allows us to protect ourself from the other person. It may be best to end the relationship.
6. Forgiveness means keeping the person in your heart. Even if you end the relationship physically it is necessary to: bless this person and the situation,
pray for this person, and even send love and wish the best for this person.
7. If we are honest with ourselves we can take an inventory of the pain and suffering we ourselves have caused others. It's here we can find compassion for ourselves and others.
"In Jack Kornfield's book, "The Art Of Forgiveness, and Peace," he tells this story:
In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered.
All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual.
Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime.
Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, is recounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length.
This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.
So here is my plan.
Tonight when I go to bed I will close my eyes and bring this person who hurt me to mind. I will put myself and the other family memebers in a circle around this person. I can then think of all the good deeds that have been done by this person. I can even imagine what the other siblings and my parents would say.
I will mentally welcome this person back into the tribe!
Who do you need to forgive and how willing are you? I'm here to tell you it's necessary to do the work. But remember it's a process and don't beat yourself up.
Just to the work necessary!
posted by Tess Marshall at 2:24 PM
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